Bedsharing

Bed-sharing has been the norm for most of human history until the 19th century when a number of factors led to its decline, including:

  • an influential doctor’s belief that it was unnatural and degenerative
  • concerns raised by the church about women being more likely to deliberately kill their children to control the size of their family if they’re in a bed together
  • a cultural trend of buying cribs, and the advertisement of cribs
  • patriarchal social norms driven by men wanting only their wives and themselves in the master bedroom
  • mistaken ideas about what encourages child independence

Bed-sharing vs co-sleeping

Before we delve into this practice further, let’s start by clarifying the distinction between bed-sharing and co-sleeping.

Co-sleeping means your child sleeping in close proximity to you. This can involve your child sleeping in:

  • a crib or 3-sided “co-sleeper” that attaches to the side of the bed
  • their own bed, which is in easy reach of you
  • the same bed as you

This last type of co-sleeping is what we refer to as bed-sharing.

What are the advantages of bed-sharing?

  • It’s more comforting for your child when they’re right next to you. (Being in another bed, or in a separate room, can cause separation anxiety.)
  • You have the comfort of knowing exactly where your child is all the time.
  • It makes nighttime feeding easier for both you and your child.
  • You will both get more sleep that’s of a higher quality.
  • If you breastfeed during the night, rather than relying on bottles, it can help maintain your milk supply.
  • It supports the bonding between you and your child.
  • Your own breathing, heartrate, and temperature help regulate your baby’s.
  • Research shows it reduces the chances of SIDS (in the absence of hazards, such as the mother being drunk, high, or a smoker)[i].
  • And last but not least, waking up next to a smiling baby is priceless!

How do you ensure your baby is safe?

  • Your baby should be placed on a firm surface and not something that is soft (e.g., bean bags, pillows).
  • There should be no soft items (e.g., pillows, soft toys) near your baby’s face.
  • Bedding should be a tight fit to the mattress, headboard, and footboard.
  • Your bed should be tight up to any adjoining walls to prevent your baby from getting trapped in small spaces.
  • Never let your baby sleep (either alone or with you) on a sofa, futon, recliners, etc. because they could get stuck in a gap between the cushions or seat back.
  • Some say it’s safer not to cover younger babies with your bedding.
  • Keep your baby lightly dressed.
  • Some say it’s safest to assume what’s known as the “cuddle curl” when you go to sleep. This is where your body forms a “C” shape – your knees come up and your arm tucks under your head or pillow, or curls around your baby, creating a protected area for your baby. This prevents both your baby from moving away and you from accidentally rolling onto your child though, no matter what position you sleep in, the same instinct that subconsciously prevents you from rolling off the edge of the bed will also keep you from rolling on top of your child.
  • You can attach either a rail or a bolster sewn to a large piece of fabric that goes across the width of the bed under your body (and that of your partner). Either of these techniques can further prevent your child from falling out of the bed.
  • If you breastfeed your child, they will naturally stay close to your breast, which is where it’s safest.
  • Stay smoke-, drug-, and alcohol-free [which you are hopefully doing anyway because these are habits that result in ill health (e.g., tobacco and alcohol are both known to cause cancer in humans)].

If you follow these guidelines, then bed-sharing is at least as safe as any other sleeping arrangement.

How long should you bed-share for?

As with breastfeeding, the best thing for the child (and usually for the whole family) is to let your child decide when they feel ready to sleep in their own bed. In most cases, this will be after they stop breastfeeding.

One approach is to have a bed ready for them before they need it, and to tell them it’s theirs for whenever they want it.

When they do start sleeping on their own, you should be prepared for them to want to return to your bed occasionally, in which case, generally the best plan is to allow them back.

What about your partner?

If you share a bed with a partner, then some of the above advantages apply to them too, such as getting more sleep, since neither of you have to get up in the night to feed your child.

There is one potential challenge you may need to discuss with them, however, which is intimacy.

Some partners, particularly men, may object to the presence of one of more children in the bed because they say it interferes with having sex.

Here are a few things you can try:

  • Listen to their concerns with a view to finding a mutually agreeable solution.
  • Remind your partner of all the advantages of bed-sharing, including the fact that it’s best for your child and that you will all get better, longer sleep.
  • Take advantage of the times when your child is asleep or napping to have sex.
  • Remember that you can have sex somewhere other than in your regular bed.
  • Have sex at other times of day.
  • Enjoy more non-sexual intimacy, such as cuddling, kissing, and massages.
  • If necessary, consider suggesting that your partner sleep in a separate bed in the same room. 😊

In summary

Bed-sharing is something all mammals do – it’s natural. It’s best for your child, protects infant health, makes nighttime feeding easier for both of you, and leads to better sleep for everyone.

 

[i] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4169572/